Still Breathing.

Photograph: ohh_its_anne

Making a little more room in my heart for growth. Though, it is hard to grow, when you can't seem to let go. The fighter inside of me went on a hiatus and left me here, wondering if certain things are even worth it anymore. I assume it is okay to not understand sometimes, sometimes things are just better that way. The world is always moving and life becomes confusing and by the time you realize it, everything is already in black and white. Those are the times when a reminder of assurance is crucial, but sometimes it just doesn't exist. Drifting away from the right things just feels so right sometimes, but strangely enough, you'll find your way back to the comfort of a more familiar path, covered in old footprints and then reality sets in and you somehow just know that this is where you were meant to be ... and everything is going to be okay.

5 Years.

I’m a whole day early, but I just can’t stop thinking about how far we’ve come since the first day I met you, and of course, the weeks that followed. Thank you so much for being my best friend, my rock, and my sanity. I am so much stronger now because you took me away and showed me how love can conquer all.

Thank you and Happy 5th Anniversary … can’t wait for 5 more years. =)

Music Therapy.

Listening to some K-Love to cure the blues. Always heals ...

Reminding Myself.

I needed to stop for a moment to take a deep breath. I have compared and judged, wished and wondered, and have lost the will to completely love myself. In losing the appreciation for my beauty, inner and outer, I have bruised my self confidence and burned many relationships. In stumbling upon this song, it reminded me that God will take me in any form, any shape, and in any condition. I am a little dusty and definitely a little battered, but the mirror still reflects Gods love and power to rebuild me.

These words just touched me in every way possible.

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me
Fighting to make the mirror happy
Trying to find whatever is missing
Won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful
You make me stand in awe
You step inside my heart, and I am amazed
I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful

Life.

"The problem with revenge is that it never gets what it wants; it never evens the score. Fairness never comes. The chain reaction set off by every act of vengeance always takes its unhindered course. It ties both the injured and the injurer to an escalator of pain. Why do family feuds go on and on? The reason is simple: no two people, no two families, ever weigh pain on the same scale."

When the infliction of pain is made upon relief of oneself … you'll end up hurting more than one person. Forgiveness is just about making a little more room in your heart.



If you only knew...

I'm Stuck!

Dear Life,

I wish you would send me a sign of some sort to lead me in the direction that I need to be going. I feel stuck, like I’m constantly being put on repeat. It’s like hearing that same song, with that same voice, over and over and over again. I’ve lost the motivation to be productive and I can see that big bum inside of me trying to claw its way out.

Please hurry!

Holding On.

Last night, I sat there for 15 minutes, angry at my parents for turning me into such a chemically in-balanced person. I keep replaying things over and over again in my mind, thinking “Where the hell did I take that wrong turn?” I don’t know where I left my heart, and I really want it back.

I’ve been sitting here, staring at a blank page for almost 10 minutes, trying to gather the right thoughts and trying to pick the right words to conclude my feelings about us.

I found an old letter that I wrote you, and the sweetest words brought back old feelings. I never realized it until that very moment, it just seems those feelings are gone and I ran out of nice things to say. I am trying to not quit on fighting our battles, nor have I given up fighting for you, but, I think I lost my will and all my strength a long time ago. So, I’ve been fighting for the old you, inside the new me.

I have felt more confident inside the new me, the one with the backbone, and I think I can see through you. Your thoughts of seeing me less beautiful with my new tough skin and the betrayal of the same backbone you built for me.

We talked about our biggest fears, something tells me that it wasn’t infidelity that you’re afraid of, but it is the fear of not knowing if our future will be with each other. I’ve eaten up my own words and have pushed aside advice I’ve given you because I’ve become more alert … or maybe bitter. I have convinced myself that we will never change, and yet we have … you for the better and me for the worst.

I’ve envisioned love a different way, and have realized that me trying to define love has caused me to hurt you. I know you feel helpless. I can see you slowly falling.