Recollecting.

The holidays have ended so soon. I could have sworn it was just yesterday that I was standing over colored stockings trying to decide which color would best fit my sister’s personalities. The other day, when I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping, I thought it would be nice to personally get some Christmas cards for everyone.

Within fifteen minutes of being inside Hallmark, I started to tear up. It was really hard walking down the card isle. In between the Christmas cards were cards that were made out to “Dad” or “Mom”. I know sometimes people cry about Hallmark commercials, but I wasn’t too sure about people crying in Hallmark isles.

This year, I was able to understand the love of a close-knit family. And though it wasn’t my own family, I still thank God each and every day for giving me the opportunity to know that it does exists. I have witnessed a strong-willed and hard-working mother; a husband who stands by his wife and aids her through everything, sister’s who are best friends, and brothers who would drop everything for their family.

Yet, this year has also been another hard year. It has truly been a difficult healing process for me. I still struggle sometimes walking pass something I know my big sister would like, or even something that reminds me of my big brother. I understand that the past can never be taken back, but I also understand that forgiving someone doesn’t necessary mean that they forgive you back. And that has truly been the hardest part about everything. I couldn’t help the person that I was before, and I’m trying, really trying to not hurt people along the way, again. I think one of the most important gifts God has given me is the people he has put in my life. I cherish(ed) that!

I bumped into my past the other day, and though it was a quick smile, It reminded me of all that I gave up for someone who wasn't willing to give up anything for me. I thought about my old friends, and how much I missed them. But you can't blame me, it takes two, and then perhaps somehow we'll meet halfway. I just wonder if I'm doing my part, or if they're doing theres, and when halfway is? I started to recollect old faded memories, and felt a sense of peace. Sometimes I wished things were much less complicated, but then again, it could be worst.

Within the past four years, I have tried so hard to forget about my past. People say time heals all wounds, but even when you are “healed” or whatever it is that is suppose to happen, I don’t think you’ll ever forget the way someone made you feel. It truly changes you!

I’ve told Tu, my best friend and boyfriend, that sometimes I feel sorry for him because I’m a gal who comes with a big load. I have incorporated all these fairy tale stories into my love life, and get disappointed so easily. I can still remember sitting on top of my roof, just hoping that he would hear me and then somehow just magically appear and take me away from everything. Yeah, that never happened (LOL)!! But he’s been there through so much better things. And sometimes, he can magically just make everything easier for me. It just isn’t complicated with him.

It was about ten o’clock Christmas night, and I missed my family so much. I wondered what they were doing, or if they were even doing anything at all? I had to go somewhere, anywhere to get my mind off of things. (Things that were said over dinner with my sisters).

It’s like what I said in my last blog, “For a long time, I desperately searched for individuals who would actually want to deal with my problems, and not just be there to get my mind off of things. Big difference! Because when I have to go to bed at night, I’ll just replay everything in my mind over and over again.” I went to bed Christmas night this year with so many emotions. I was just a mess. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry my heart out.

I hope to imagine that one day; God will help me understand why I have so much emotions. Because, it seems as though every time I’m getting back on track, someone just barely touches me and I fall flat on my face.

Through it all.

You know how it is when something hurts you so much, and then eventually you just learn to deal with the pain, knowing it is never going to stop hurting. I have transitioned early on in my life, and never truly got to enjoy much of my childhood. Sometimes I catch myself acting like a baby, or saying something a five-year-old would say, because I never got to act my age. I still don’t! I appreciate those who have learned to deal with me, my emotions, and my troubles. I especially appreciate those who have learned to go through it all with me. For a long time, I desperately searched for individuals who would actually want to deal with my problems, and not just be there to get my mind off of things. Big difference! Because when I have to go to bed at night, I’ll just replay everything in my mind over and over again.

I can see reflections of myself in my sisters, and remember how it was at age thirteen, fifteen, and especially eighteen. Every year after sixteen got harder, and not that thirteen and fifteen wasn’t just as hard, it was just the realization of how getting older changes many things. Then, I would try to paint a picture perfect family, and I would try so hard to silence every brutal moment for them. I didn’t realize it then, but now I see that as my sisters are getting older, they start to understand the situation and the pain that comes along with it. I understand now, you can never protect someone from someone else’s pain. If I am not the one inflicting the pain, how can I protect it from hurting someone else?

After all, it is about enduring it with them, and not just trying to be there to help them forget about their problems. Though, forgetting things just for a minute sometimes puts you at peace.

God has been there behind us, sending us strength in many different forms and many different sizes. Prayer is not a priority for my family, but I hope that one day, God will be able to open their hearts and open their eyes to understand that the only structure they have in their life is his grace.

Lastly, the second youngest sister, just started picking up the guitar for about a month in a half now. She has so much potential and so much desire to play. She has an amazing voice, and though she doesn’t know it yet, she can do many wonders in God’s name with her talent. Jessica, the one right after me and middle child, has moved away to Grandmas. I can see myself in her the most. She relies on friends just as I do, and usually tends to run away from her problems, as I did as well. She is the biggest, yet the most sensitive of all five girls. She just started going out to parties and is learning to enjoy being eighteen, but I pray that she not fall into the wrong crowd. I seem to enjoy her company the most, as she always has something silly to joke about. One day, I hope God will send an amazing "someone" to help her gather her struggles and be able to walk with her through her hardships. Perhaps someone exactly like the one he put in my life. =) Ashley, the youngest sister, still seems so pure and never in the moment. She is starting to attract those little girl-crazy boys. I swear all she ever has to talk about is boys, boys, and more boys.

Every morning, when I’m driving off to work, I rub the cross hanging over the rear-view mirror and say “Father, please be with me today, guide me and I ask that I not get pulled over. Please be with everyone I love and guide them to wherever they need to be safely.” One time, I was in such a rush and forgot to say it. Five minutes into my drive and I got pulled over, not that God wasn’t with me, but I was so upset that the officer didn’t let me go. Bad morning, I could say.

Sadly, I am trying to make God more then just a routine …

Turning 21.

I sat there, on my bed, three hours before midnight, looking through old pictures and recollecting old faces and old feelings. For a moment, I was filled with many emotions. I thought about past friendships and present, about betrayal, love, losing, learning, trust and especially forgiving. And in that moment, as I was trying to hold back the clash between the good emotions and the bad, a picture of you and I fell off the side table and onto the ground.

Perhaps it was because we have not been on such good terms lately, or perhaps because recollecting the past made me realize how much I had left behind. My un-contentness was not because you came along and took me away, yet the deception of it all, was when you took me away, you gave me realization of what was most precious to me. Here I am, with a whole new world at the palm of my hands, and in the moment of learning to forgive, I think I forgot about you. The one fresh breathe of air, the one that gathers my laughter, the one that watches me day and night, the one that reminds me to pray every night, the one that feeds me strength, and the one person, next to god, that always has the heart to forgive me.

I have learned to find peace where love lives, and next door to love, the happiness you find within love somehow will bring along contentness. One year from yesterday, I left everything and everyone behind. So here I am, trying to rekindle flames and blow out those close to dying. An hour and a half before I turn 21 – I will make new friends, love the ones I already have more, strive for new goals and work harder. I will not take the least of what I can get, but strive above all to even be able to love those who hurt me the most. I am slowly learning to see that money cannot buy love, and when you truly love someone, you are willing to give your whole life to them, trusting that they will never hurt you. I apologize a thousand times, to those I have hurt along the way, and pray that one day, true forgiveness will find its way out of them as well.

I am not quite ready, but I am looking forward for what the next year will bring. It has been extremely hard to surpass the last few years, but I trust the lord will somehow guide me back into the light. And as the most crucial moments of my life will someday slip way, I will only become stronger. And when I have achieved enough to live, I will show the world that when you let the lord be your Savior, nothing will ever be too painful to heal.