Recollecting.

The holidays have ended so soon. I could have sworn it was just yesterday that I was standing over colored stockings trying to decide which color would best fit my sister’s personalities. The other day, when I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping, I thought it would be nice to personally get some Christmas cards for everyone.

Within fifteen minutes of being inside Hallmark, I started to tear up. It was really hard walking down the card isle. In between the Christmas cards were cards that were made out to “Dad” or “Mom”. I know sometimes people cry about Hallmark commercials, but I wasn’t too sure about people crying in Hallmark isles.

This year, I was able to understand the love of a close-knit family. And though it wasn’t my own family, I still thank God each and every day for giving me the opportunity to know that it does exists. I have witnessed a strong-willed and hard-working mother; a husband who stands by his wife and aids her through everything, sister’s who are best friends, and brothers who would drop everything for their family.

Yet, this year has also been another hard year. It has truly been a difficult healing process for me. I still struggle sometimes walking pass something I know my big sister would like, or even something that reminds me of my big brother. I understand that the past can never be taken back, but I also understand that forgiving someone doesn’t necessary mean that they forgive you back. And that has truly been the hardest part about everything. I couldn’t help the person that I was before, and I’m trying, really trying to not hurt people along the way, again. I think one of the most important gifts God has given me is the people he has put in my life. I cherish(ed) that!

I bumped into my past the other day, and though it was a quick smile, It reminded me of all that I gave up for someone who wasn't willing to give up anything for me. I thought about my old friends, and how much I missed them. But you can't blame me, it takes two, and then perhaps somehow we'll meet halfway. I just wonder if I'm doing my part, or if they're doing theres, and when halfway is? I started to recollect old faded memories, and felt a sense of peace. Sometimes I wished things were much less complicated, but then again, it could be worst.

Within the past four years, I have tried so hard to forget about my past. People say time heals all wounds, but even when you are “healed” or whatever it is that is suppose to happen, I don’t think you’ll ever forget the way someone made you feel. It truly changes you!

I’ve told Tu, my best friend and boyfriend, that sometimes I feel sorry for him because I’m a gal who comes with a big load. I have incorporated all these fairy tale stories into my love life, and get disappointed so easily. I can still remember sitting on top of my roof, just hoping that he would hear me and then somehow just magically appear and take me away from everything. Yeah, that never happened (LOL)!! But he’s been there through so much better things. And sometimes, he can magically just make everything easier for me. It just isn’t complicated with him.

It was about ten o’clock Christmas night, and I missed my family so much. I wondered what they were doing, or if they were even doing anything at all? I had to go somewhere, anywhere to get my mind off of things. (Things that were said over dinner with my sisters).

It’s like what I said in my last blog, “For a long time, I desperately searched for individuals who would actually want to deal with my problems, and not just be there to get my mind off of things. Big difference! Because when I have to go to bed at night, I’ll just replay everything in my mind over and over again.” I went to bed Christmas night this year with so many emotions. I was just a mess. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry my heart out.

I hope to imagine that one day; God will help me understand why I have so much emotions. Because, it seems as though every time I’m getting back on track, someone just barely touches me and I fall flat on my face.