A Stranger's Note.

"May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understating will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours everyday of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them."

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending ...

Who ever left this note on my desk this morning, it was a reminder. Thank you!
I needed to take a step back, to breathe, and to truly understand that above all the unstoppable pain, I am here, and I am alive.

Sharing is Caring.

Mercy Me will be in town in a few weeks. (June 14) I am quite excited, because for the first time, I get to bring Tu along.

I remembered, the last time I got to go to a Mercy Me concert was a few years ago with three of my best friends. It was quite a memorable one. I remembered there was a huge group from a catholic church somewhere in MO, wearing blue and yellow shirts. Nathan, the lead singer, stopped the music and deemed the lights. Softly, he hymned “Amazing Grace”, and everyone just instantly knew the lyrics and sang while he hymned. There were no guitars, no pianos, no drums, no over powering voice. Everyone sang together while the lights went off. You could feel the cold breeze, and the sound was beautiful. “This is a glimpse of Heaven”, one of the band members said. “No matter what denomination you are, or that you even believe in God, you are here tonight, for a reason”.

And in that moment, I felt God’s peace. I had chills running through my whole body. I want Tu to be able to feel that. I know that everyone finds peace in different things, but I want him to see what brings me peace.

Always always.

Alot on my mind lately. It has been a clash between emotions of happiness and sadness. Sometimes, the most unexpected things happen. I am struggling, yet learning, to understand that God is not the reason why "bad" things happen, yet these "bad" things happen to help us understand God's love and his promise to shelter and love us unconditionally.

I catch myself bargaining with him, in exchange to take care of my family during, perhaps, the most crucial moment for them as individuals and especially as a whole. God isn't a gambler, yet I compare him to some sort of slot machine, expecting that all my answers will be answered by hitting it big.


But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Speechless Feelings.

It was a beautiful Thursday morning, and for once, in a long time, I didn't rush to school or work. I had time to sit and enjoy a bowl of cheerios. On my way to class, I was able to sip on a mug of hot Starbucks coffee. I decided this particular morning to take it slow, and to remind myself to truly be in the moment. The sun was up, and the wind slightly blew. I had made up my mind, and parked three tiers away from the humanities building (I hate walking a great distance). Soon enough, the clock hit 8:50 and class was over. I made my way through the crowded halls and walked back to the car, someone (who I wished I could thank) drove by blasting Chris Tomlin's new song, "I will Rise".

I couldn’t move. I shut my eyes, and your peace overpowered me. I could feel your sincerity and the realness of you holding my hands. I have been too selfish. Yet, you are still too loving and sent peace through the winds that blew through my hair, and chills went through my arms as my legs weakened. In that moment, I swore the trees bowed and I cried. I wished everyone I loved could feel this way sometimes. If I could share this short moment of peace, I would do whatever it takes, and I would do it one million times over and over again.

The other day, I thought about that one day that God showed me angels do exist. And though I don’t think the guy sitting in that little green Honda, who happened to drive pass me when I was leaving class, is an angel. I still believe God works in the most mysterious ways, in ways that help remind us of his grace. I thought back on that cold night about three years ago, and wondered if that “angel” remembered me. It is a painful memory, yet, a strong story. Ask, and I will share. =)

One snowy day.

The rush of cold air blew into my bedroom at 6:25 a.m. and I awoke from the screaming “Erk Erk” noise that my alarm makes. Oh, how I wished I could just stay in bed a little longer. Snowflakes were starting to hug the bathroom window, and the gravel roads were starting to turn white.

Chris Tomlin’s acoustic version of “How Great is Our God” was playing when the car was starting to heat up. One of my favorite things to do every morning is to rub the cross hanging over my rear-view mirror, as a sign of asking for God’s guidance through out the day, and that wherever I am going, he will protect me. I especially rubbed the cross this particular morning. Why? I don’t know?

While I started to drive, I thought about everything that needed to be done that day at school, at work, and at home. I wonder what we’re going to discuss today in English? What am I going to eat for lunch? Is today going to be a stressful day at work? Darn, did I put the clothes in the dryer or not? I am a ponder-er. (I know that’s not a word)

It wasn’t even five minutes into driving on the main street, when a black infinity rushed to get right in front of me. I freaked out and pushed on the breaks so hard the car started to slide and went right over the median that separates the right side of the road from the left. A huge “THUMP” lifted the car a little higher and I could feel my body tense up. I was so scared, I just shut my eyes, and my heart sank. (The angels did a powerful job at holding my car) When I opened my eyes, the car had hopped onto the other side of the road and landed on the sidewalk, literally, inches from the drop into the woods. At that moment, I was overwhelmed, with ten thousand feelings running in and out of me.

Immediately, I called Tu to meet me in a parking lot at a nearby apartment complex to check on the car. I was trying to get it together, to hold everything in before he came. My usual “be strong” instinct came into play, and here I was startled and shaking, yet I was trying to roll my eyes back to keep from crying. For a moment, I thought about how life would be for everyone who knew me if things ended up differently.

Instead of explaining everything and replaying that brutal moment over and over again, I just wanted a hug. One nice long hug and everything would’ve been okay. No damages were done to the car, thank god, but I was still quite upset at the guy who decided to rush on this particular icy morning, at this particular time. Yet, he probably didn’t even know that his ignorance could have cost a life.

I cried a couple of times that day, at work. I mean, I was already having a hectic day at work and running late on projects. I especially thought about that morning though, and how grateful I was that God didn’t let it happen “differently”. How “differently” would have cost so much pain. I thought about “how great our god” truly is and his power to “guide and protect”. It didn’t matter if I had rubbed that cross or not, or that my radio station was on K-Love (Christian music), or that I prayed the night before, or even if it were someone else. God wasn’t going to let it happen, not there, and not like that.

I sat in the closet that night, and wondered if life would stop and wait for me if I locked myself up until summer. I thought about the irony of how children portray the closet as monster-filled and scary. When in that slightest moment, it was the one time, for a long time, I actually felt peace and security. For one minute, that day, I could hear myself breathe. Then, everything was okay, again.

“You are Worthy of all praise and my heart will sing how great is our God”

Recollecting.

The holidays have ended so soon. I could have sworn it was just yesterday that I was standing over colored stockings trying to decide which color would best fit my sister’s personalities. The other day, when I was doing some last minute Christmas shopping, I thought it would be nice to personally get some Christmas cards for everyone.

Within fifteen minutes of being inside Hallmark, I started to tear up. It was really hard walking down the card isle. In between the Christmas cards were cards that were made out to “Dad” or “Mom”. I know sometimes people cry about Hallmark commercials, but I wasn’t too sure about people crying in Hallmark isles.

This year, I was able to understand the love of a close-knit family. And though it wasn’t my own family, I still thank God each and every day for giving me the opportunity to know that it does exists. I have witnessed a strong-willed and hard-working mother; a husband who stands by his wife and aids her through everything, sister’s who are best friends, and brothers who would drop everything for their family.

Yet, this year has also been another hard year. It has truly been a difficult healing process for me. I still struggle sometimes walking pass something I know my big sister would like, or even something that reminds me of my big brother. I understand that the past can never be taken back, but I also understand that forgiving someone doesn’t necessary mean that they forgive you back. And that has truly been the hardest part about everything. I couldn’t help the person that I was before, and I’m trying, really trying to not hurt people along the way, again. I think one of the most important gifts God has given me is the people he has put in my life. I cherish(ed) that!

I bumped into my past the other day, and though it was a quick smile, It reminded me of all that I gave up for someone who wasn't willing to give up anything for me. I thought about my old friends, and how much I missed them. But you can't blame me, it takes two, and then perhaps somehow we'll meet halfway. I just wonder if I'm doing my part, or if they're doing theres, and when halfway is? I started to recollect old faded memories, and felt a sense of peace. Sometimes I wished things were much less complicated, but then again, it could be worst.

Within the past four years, I have tried so hard to forget about my past. People say time heals all wounds, but even when you are “healed” or whatever it is that is suppose to happen, I don’t think you’ll ever forget the way someone made you feel. It truly changes you!

I’ve told Tu, my best friend and boyfriend, that sometimes I feel sorry for him because I’m a gal who comes with a big load. I have incorporated all these fairy tale stories into my love life, and get disappointed so easily. I can still remember sitting on top of my roof, just hoping that he would hear me and then somehow just magically appear and take me away from everything. Yeah, that never happened (LOL)!! But he’s been there through so much better things. And sometimes, he can magically just make everything easier for me. It just isn’t complicated with him.

It was about ten o’clock Christmas night, and I missed my family so much. I wondered what they were doing, or if they were even doing anything at all? I had to go somewhere, anywhere to get my mind off of things. (Things that were said over dinner with my sisters).

It’s like what I said in my last blog, “For a long time, I desperately searched for individuals who would actually want to deal with my problems, and not just be there to get my mind off of things. Big difference! Because when I have to go to bed at night, I’ll just replay everything in my mind over and over again.” I went to bed Christmas night this year with so many emotions. I was just a mess. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry my heart out.

I hope to imagine that one day; God will help me understand why I have so much emotions. Because, it seems as though every time I’m getting back on track, someone just barely touches me and I fall flat on my face.

Through it all.

You know how it is when something hurts you so much, and then eventually you just learn to deal with the pain, knowing it is never going to stop hurting. I have transitioned early on in my life, and never truly got to enjoy much of my childhood. Sometimes I catch myself acting like a baby, or saying something a five-year-old would say, because I never got to act my age. I still don’t! I appreciate those who have learned to deal with me, my emotions, and my troubles. I especially appreciate those who have learned to go through it all with me. For a long time, I desperately searched for individuals who would actually want to deal with my problems, and not just be there to get my mind off of things. Big difference! Because when I have to go to bed at night, I’ll just replay everything in my mind over and over again.

I can see reflections of myself in my sisters, and remember how it was at age thirteen, fifteen, and especially eighteen. Every year after sixteen got harder, and not that thirteen and fifteen wasn’t just as hard, it was just the realization of how getting older changes many things. Then, I would try to paint a picture perfect family, and I would try so hard to silence every brutal moment for them. I didn’t realize it then, but now I see that as my sisters are getting older, they start to understand the situation and the pain that comes along with it. I understand now, you can never protect someone from someone else’s pain. If I am not the one inflicting the pain, how can I protect it from hurting someone else?

After all, it is about enduring it with them, and not just trying to be there to help them forget about their problems. Though, forgetting things just for a minute sometimes puts you at peace.

God has been there behind us, sending us strength in many different forms and many different sizes. Prayer is not a priority for my family, but I hope that one day, God will be able to open their hearts and open their eyes to understand that the only structure they have in their life is his grace.

Lastly, the second youngest sister, just started picking up the guitar for about a month in a half now. She has so much potential and so much desire to play. She has an amazing voice, and though she doesn’t know it yet, she can do many wonders in God’s name with her talent. Jessica, the one right after me and middle child, has moved away to Grandmas. I can see myself in her the most. She relies on friends just as I do, and usually tends to run away from her problems, as I did as well. She is the biggest, yet the most sensitive of all five girls. She just started going out to parties and is learning to enjoy being eighteen, but I pray that she not fall into the wrong crowd. I seem to enjoy her company the most, as she always has something silly to joke about. One day, I hope God will send an amazing "someone" to help her gather her struggles and be able to walk with her through her hardships. Perhaps someone exactly like the one he put in my life. =) Ashley, the youngest sister, still seems so pure and never in the moment. She is starting to attract those little girl-crazy boys. I swear all she ever has to talk about is boys, boys, and more boys.

Every morning, when I’m driving off to work, I rub the cross hanging over the rear-view mirror and say “Father, please be with me today, guide me and I ask that I not get pulled over. Please be with everyone I love and guide them to wherever they need to be safely.” One time, I was in such a rush and forgot to say it. Five minutes into my drive and I got pulled over, not that God wasn’t with me, but I was so upset that the officer didn’t let me go. Bad morning, I could say.

Sadly, I am trying to make God more then just a routine …