For You.

I know that you are going through a lot. I wished I could provide some sort of physical comfort, but not all comfort and way of love and strength can be shown through the physical things. I know you enjoy reading my blogs, as I write mostly for you to read. I hope this lifts your spirit, as it does to mine, every time that I drive by. If I were to share a favorite peaceful memory, it would be this specific day. Thank you!

It was a Sunday evening, the winter storm had passed a few days ago and the snow was starting to fade. Though, the roaring winds still blew, it was my favorite time of the year. We were leaving church and the skies were getting dark. Christmas lights decorated the lofts and even the buildings. I love being downtown, as it gives me some sort of refreshing feel. We were sitting in your blue Honda, waiting for the poor thing to heat up. A glance outside my window was a tall red tower lit up in blue, red, and white Christmas lights. We were quite a way, but even a glimpse brought me back to the innocence of my childhood. Daddy use to drive us back from Grandma’s and I always wished someone would just drive me up there, one day.

I think I told you that, that I wished we could drive up their, just to see it up close. You said “Do you want to?” I was taken away, not even expecting you would say that. So, we did. You drove me there, and though it wasn’t as easy to find as I thought it would be, we eventually found it. It was just a tower, but it was beautiful. Covered in snow and the lights shining, oh so brightly. It lifted apart of my heart and brought comfort to me. It might not have been that big of a deal to you, but I’ll always remember that one moment.

I love you even more that day …

I hope, one day, that I can do whatever it is that you always wanted to do, and bring that peace that you brought me. Everything will be okay!

2 New Voicemails.

It was a bad weekend. Sometimes, I wonder why I am still here.

I don't think I will open them, it's from mother, and it will hurt too much.

A Lifetime of Secrets.

I bought it. I rebelled and bought a Post Secret collection, “A Lifetime of Secrets” by Frank Warren. (www.postsecret.blogspot.com) I told myself I wouldn’t but the 25% off coupon sitting on my email tempted me. The next day, I walked straight into Borders and walked out in 5 minutes with that book in my hand. I drove home, every so often, glancing at it. It was like some kind of eagerness came over me, like an insane addiction to read other peoples secrets.

I can’t seem to bring myself to read anymore then eight pages, before my heart feels heavy. It’s been exactly three whole days, and I thought I would be able to finish reading the book the first night; I’m not even one-fourths through. I let out a deep sigh, before I began. Sometimes, it’s a challenge to even open the book. I knew it would be hard, but now, I’m starting to wonder why I even bought the book.

Many of these people write, in hopes that someone else on the other side of the world might feel the same way, that they might share some kind of relation. Some share, perhaps, because it’s in a sense of letting go. Some like to hold on, because it’s all they have left. Some secrets are too painful to keep, and for others, their secrets have conformed who they are. It is all they know.

I appreciate it. I am that person, on the other side of the world.

A co-workers birthday brought me back into Borders, and I sneaked back to get a glimpse of a few other Post Secret books. I had to tell myself “no”, so that I wouldn’t tempt myself to collect another.

I don’t know why I did it, but I tore off a piece of paper from my week old mail, and wrote one of my secrets. I placed the secret in the book, and smiled. It felt good! It was like someone else knew, and yes, it felt really REALLY good. Now, someone else will get an extra secret for their money.
(I have not shared this secret, and am not ready. I wanted to let you know. I will soon, or, perhaps I already did?)

I miss those days, when secrets were so simple, so innocent. For me, I had to learn real quickly, how secrets can turn one person’s life up side down. Sometimes, I often wonder when recovering would end. I’m okay with tip-toeing through this world; it was actually much simpler. No one would know I was around. It’s not as though life was ever truly “so simple”, but if I could, I would make it. (I think of it like restarting my heart, and letting it reload, then installing a virus tracker. Yes, that simple!)

Often, I wonder what secret I would share, and if ever, those CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS would ever know that secret was in regards to them, or, if they would ever come across reading it, understanding it was created by me especially for them. Maybe, time will kill the hurtful things. Even if, I can say I am ten times stronger, then a year from now. It just feels as though, half of me is already gone.

Defining "Normal".

I wasn’t sure if it really hit me, or if his comforting voice got to me. Perhaps, it was my frustrations, and stubborn little sister. Sad to say, but my little sisters can still make me cry. (Smiles) Day by day, it gets a little harder.

I left work yesterday night, anxious to get home. Then it hit, “Wait, he’s not even here anymore”. I quickly substituted that thought with knowing I was going to be able to see my chubby brat, and everything was okay.

Your mom comforts me every morning. Her hugs truly make things a little easier, but it also makes me miss you more. She’s sad that the food lasts longer now. The house has a distinct awkwardness, sometimes, and I start to notice that you won’t “be home later” to make it okay, again.

I’ve been trying to figure out a new “normal”, before everything catches up. Being more involved with school, picking up more at work, and trying to occupy myself. Although, I’m not too sure waking up by myself will ever be “normal”. But, I must add, my back has been feeling a lot better, now days.

A sweater, a shirt, a mist of cologne, a piece of hair (kidding), I should have kept something to wear, hold, or smell. I don’t want to forget you, even a little. I think I kind of already forgot how you look like.

I hope you are doing well, and that when we do talk, you’re not just trying to be strong. I know your weaknesses. (Smiles) I’m praying for you (I hope you’re remembering to pray), and it won’t be too long, before we can return to our routines.

Memphis.

A new chapter, a new life. =)

On a jetplane to Memphis.

So, life will definetely change in about 2-months.
I am ready to let go ...

My understanding is, life will move on with or without you.

I wished I could join him on this journey and through his endeavors, but, for this moment in time, I must not fail to capture the crucial moment this is, for him. In time, my heart will losen, and I will learn to be a grown up. In the meantime, I have your heart, and you have mine.

Knock em' dead. I am so proud of you!!!

A Stranger's Note.

"May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand. May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism. Always know that there are those whose love and understating will always be there, even when you feel most alone. May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace. May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours everyday of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them."

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending ...

Who ever left this note on my desk this morning, it was a reminder. Thank you!
I needed to take a step back, to breathe, and to truly understand that above all the unstoppable pain, I am here, and I am alive.

Sharing is Caring.

Mercy Me will be in town in a few weeks. (June 14) I am quite excited, because for the first time, I get to bring Tu along.

I remembered, the last time I got to go to a Mercy Me concert was a few years ago with three of my best friends. It was quite a memorable one. I remembered there was a huge group from a catholic church somewhere in MO, wearing blue and yellow shirts. Nathan, the lead singer, stopped the music and deemed the lights. Softly, he hymned “Amazing Grace”, and everyone just instantly knew the lyrics and sang while he hymned. There were no guitars, no pianos, no drums, no over powering voice. Everyone sang together while the lights went off. You could feel the cold breeze, and the sound was beautiful. “This is a glimpse of Heaven”, one of the band members said. “No matter what denomination you are, or that you even believe in God, you are here tonight, for a reason”.

And in that moment, I felt God’s peace. I had chills running through my whole body. I want Tu to be able to feel that. I know that everyone finds peace in different things, but I want him to see what brings me peace.

Always always.

Alot on my mind lately. It has been a clash between emotions of happiness and sadness. Sometimes, the most unexpected things happen. I am struggling, yet learning, to understand that God is not the reason why "bad" things happen, yet these "bad" things happen to help us understand God's love and his promise to shelter and love us unconditionally.

I catch myself bargaining with him, in exchange to take care of my family during, perhaps, the most crucial moment for them as individuals and especially as a whole. God isn't a gambler, yet I compare him to some sort of slot machine, expecting that all my answers will be answered by hitting it big.


But I believe always always
Our Savior never fails
Even when all hope is gone
God knows our pain and His promise remains
He will be with you always

Speechless Feelings.

It was a beautiful Thursday morning, and for once, in a long time, I didn't rush to school or work. I had time to sit and enjoy a bowl of cheerios. On my way to class, I was able to sip on a mug of hot Starbucks coffee. I decided this particular morning to take it slow, and to remind myself to truly be in the moment. The sun was up, and the wind slightly blew. I had made up my mind, and parked three tiers away from the humanities building (I hate walking a great distance). Soon enough, the clock hit 8:50 and class was over. I made my way through the crowded halls and walked back to the car, someone (who I wished I could thank) drove by blasting Chris Tomlin's new song, "I will Rise".

I couldn’t move. I shut my eyes, and your peace overpowered me. I could feel your sincerity and the realness of you holding my hands. I have been too selfish. Yet, you are still too loving and sent peace through the winds that blew through my hair, and chills went through my arms as my legs weakened. In that moment, I swore the trees bowed and I cried. I wished everyone I loved could feel this way sometimes. If I could share this short moment of peace, I would do whatever it takes, and I would do it one million times over and over again.

The other day, I thought about that one day that God showed me angels do exist. And though I don’t think the guy sitting in that little green Honda, who happened to drive pass me when I was leaving class, is an angel. I still believe God works in the most mysterious ways, in ways that help remind us of his grace. I thought back on that cold night about three years ago, and wondered if that “angel” remembered me. It is a painful memory, yet, a strong story. Ask, and I will share. =)

One snowy day.

The rush of cold air blew into my bedroom at 6:25 a.m. and I awoke from the screaming “Erk Erk” noise that my alarm makes. Oh, how I wished I could just stay in bed a little longer. Snowflakes were starting to hug the bathroom window, and the gravel roads were starting to turn white.

Chris Tomlin’s acoustic version of “How Great is Our God” was playing when the car was starting to heat up. One of my favorite things to do every morning is to rub the cross hanging over my rear-view mirror, as a sign of asking for God’s guidance through out the day, and that wherever I am going, he will protect me. I especially rubbed the cross this particular morning. Why? I don’t know?

While I started to drive, I thought about everything that needed to be done that day at school, at work, and at home. I wonder what we’re going to discuss today in English? What am I going to eat for lunch? Is today going to be a stressful day at work? Darn, did I put the clothes in the dryer or not? I am a ponder-er. (I know that’s not a word)

It wasn’t even five minutes into driving on the main street, when a black infinity rushed to get right in front of me. I freaked out and pushed on the breaks so hard the car started to slide and went right over the median that separates the right side of the road from the left. A huge “THUMP” lifted the car a little higher and I could feel my body tense up. I was so scared, I just shut my eyes, and my heart sank. (The angels did a powerful job at holding my car) When I opened my eyes, the car had hopped onto the other side of the road and landed on the sidewalk, literally, inches from the drop into the woods. At that moment, I was overwhelmed, with ten thousand feelings running in and out of me.

Immediately, I called Tu to meet me in a parking lot at a nearby apartment complex to check on the car. I was trying to get it together, to hold everything in before he came. My usual “be strong” instinct came into play, and here I was startled and shaking, yet I was trying to roll my eyes back to keep from crying. For a moment, I thought about how life would be for everyone who knew me if things ended up differently.

Instead of explaining everything and replaying that brutal moment over and over again, I just wanted a hug. One nice long hug and everything would’ve been okay. No damages were done to the car, thank god, but I was still quite upset at the guy who decided to rush on this particular icy morning, at this particular time. Yet, he probably didn’t even know that his ignorance could have cost a life.

I cried a couple of times that day, at work. I mean, I was already having a hectic day at work and running late on projects. I especially thought about that morning though, and how grateful I was that God didn’t let it happen “differently”. How “differently” would have cost so much pain. I thought about “how great our god” truly is and his power to “guide and protect”. It didn’t matter if I had rubbed that cross or not, or that my radio station was on K-Love (Christian music), or that I prayed the night before, or even if it were someone else. God wasn’t going to let it happen, not there, and not like that.

I sat in the closet that night, and wondered if life would stop and wait for me if I locked myself up until summer. I thought about the irony of how children portray the closet as monster-filled and scary. When in that slightest moment, it was the one time, for a long time, I actually felt peace and security. For one minute, that day, I could hear myself breathe. Then, everything was okay, again.

“You are Worthy of all praise and my heart will sing how great is our God”