A Lifetime of Secrets.

I bought it. I rebelled and bought a Post Secret collection, “A Lifetime of Secrets” by Frank Warren. (www.postsecret.blogspot.com) I told myself I wouldn’t but the 25% off coupon sitting on my email tempted me. The next day, I walked straight into Borders and walked out in 5 minutes with that book in my hand. I drove home, every so often, glancing at it. It was like some kind of eagerness came over me, like an insane addiction to read other peoples secrets.

I can’t seem to bring myself to read anymore then eight pages, before my heart feels heavy. It’s been exactly three whole days, and I thought I would be able to finish reading the book the first night; I’m not even one-fourths through. I let out a deep sigh, before I began. Sometimes, it’s a challenge to even open the book. I knew it would be hard, but now, I’m starting to wonder why I even bought the book.

Many of these people write, in hopes that someone else on the other side of the world might feel the same way, that they might share some kind of relation. Some share, perhaps, because it’s in a sense of letting go. Some like to hold on, because it’s all they have left. Some secrets are too painful to keep, and for others, their secrets have conformed who they are. It is all they know.

I appreciate it. I am that person, on the other side of the world.

A co-workers birthday brought me back into Borders, and I sneaked back to get a glimpse of a few other Post Secret books. I had to tell myself “no”, so that I wouldn’t tempt myself to collect another.

I don’t know why I did it, but I tore off a piece of paper from my week old mail, and wrote one of my secrets. I placed the secret in the book, and smiled. It felt good! It was like someone else knew, and yes, it felt really REALLY good. Now, someone else will get an extra secret for their money.
(I have not shared this secret, and am not ready. I wanted to let you know. I will soon, or, perhaps I already did?)

I miss those days, when secrets were so simple, so innocent. For me, I had to learn real quickly, how secrets can turn one person’s life up side down. Sometimes, I often wonder when recovering would end. I’m okay with tip-toeing through this world; it was actually much simpler. No one would know I was around. It’s not as though life was ever truly “so simple”, but if I could, I would make it. (I think of it like restarting my heart, and letting it reload, then installing a virus tracker. Yes, that simple!)

Often, I wonder what secret I would share, and if ever, those CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS would ever know that secret was in regards to them, or, if they would ever come across reading it, understanding it was created by me especially for them. Maybe, time will kill the hurtful things. Even if, I can say I am ten times stronger, then a year from now. It just feels as though, half of me is already gone.