Sorry.

With you, I feel like I actually belong in this world. I am something great with you.

Though, I wonder if you could become something more if I cut the string. I'm always willing to help everyone else, but I always forget about you. I’m sorry! I’m always sorry when I can hear it in your voice ... or when I can see it on your face.

I still wonder if you were meant for me and if I were meant for you …

For You.

I know that you are going through a lot. I wished I could provide some sort of physical comfort, but not all comfort and way of love and strength can be shown through the physical things. I know you enjoy reading my blogs, as I write mostly for you to read. I hope this lifts your spirit, as it does to mine, every time that I drive by. If I were to share a favorite peaceful memory, it would be this specific day. Thank you!

It was a Sunday evening, the winter storm had passed a few days ago and the snow was starting to fade. Though, the roaring winds still blew, it was my favorite time of the year. We were leaving church and the skies were getting dark. Christmas lights decorated the lofts and even the buildings. I love being downtown, as it gives me some sort of refreshing feel. We were sitting in your blue Honda, waiting for the poor thing to heat up. A glance outside my window was a tall red tower lit up in blue, red, and white Christmas lights. We were quite a way, but even a glimpse brought me back to the innocence of my childhood. Daddy use to drive us back from Grandma’s and I always wished someone would just drive me up there, one day.

I think I told you that, that I wished we could drive up their, just to see it up close. You said “Do you want to?” I was taken away, not even expecting you would say that. So, we did. You drove me there, and though it wasn’t as easy to find as I thought it would be, we eventually found it. It was just a tower, but it was beautiful. Covered in snow and the lights shining, oh so brightly. It lifted apart of my heart and brought comfort to me. It might not have been that big of a deal to you, but I’ll always remember that one moment.

I love you even more that day …

I hope, one day, that I can do whatever it is that you always wanted to do, and bring that peace that you brought me. Everything will be okay!

2 New Voicemails.

It was a bad weekend. Sometimes, I wonder why I am still here.

I don't think I will open them, it's from mother, and it will hurt too much.

A Lifetime of Secrets.

I bought it. I rebelled and bought a Post Secret collection, “A Lifetime of Secrets” by Frank Warren. (www.postsecret.blogspot.com) I told myself I wouldn’t but the 25% off coupon sitting on my email tempted me. The next day, I walked straight into Borders and walked out in 5 minutes with that book in my hand. I drove home, every so often, glancing at it. It was like some kind of eagerness came over me, like an insane addiction to read other peoples secrets.

I can’t seem to bring myself to read anymore then eight pages, before my heart feels heavy. It’s been exactly three whole days, and I thought I would be able to finish reading the book the first night; I’m not even one-fourths through. I let out a deep sigh, before I began. Sometimes, it’s a challenge to even open the book. I knew it would be hard, but now, I’m starting to wonder why I even bought the book.

Many of these people write, in hopes that someone else on the other side of the world might feel the same way, that they might share some kind of relation. Some share, perhaps, because it’s in a sense of letting go. Some like to hold on, because it’s all they have left. Some secrets are too painful to keep, and for others, their secrets have conformed who they are. It is all they know.

I appreciate it. I am that person, on the other side of the world.

A co-workers birthday brought me back into Borders, and I sneaked back to get a glimpse of a few other Post Secret books. I had to tell myself “no”, so that I wouldn’t tempt myself to collect another.

I don’t know why I did it, but I tore off a piece of paper from my week old mail, and wrote one of my secrets. I placed the secret in the book, and smiled. It felt good! It was like someone else knew, and yes, it felt really REALLY good. Now, someone else will get an extra secret for their money.
(I have not shared this secret, and am not ready. I wanted to let you know. I will soon, or, perhaps I already did?)

I miss those days, when secrets were so simple, so innocent. For me, I had to learn real quickly, how secrets can turn one person’s life up side down. Sometimes, I often wonder when recovering would end. I’m okay with tip-toeing through this world; it was actually much simpler. No one would know I was around. It’s not as though life was ever truly “so simple”, but if I could, I would make it. (I think of it like restarting my heart, and letting it reload, then installing a virus tracker. Yes, that simple!)

Often, I wonder what secret I would share, and if ever, those CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS would ever know that secret was in regards to them, or, if they would ever come across reading it, understanding it was created by me especially for them. Maybe, time will kill the hurtful things. Even if, I can say I am ten times stronger, then a year from now. It just feels as though, half of me is already gone.

Defining "Normal".

I wasn’t sure if it really hit me, or if his comforting voice got to me. Perhaps, it was my frustrations, and stubborn little sister. Sad to say, but my little sisters can still make me cry. (Smiles) Day by day, it gets a little harder.

I left work yesterday night, anxious to get home. Then it hit, “Wait, he’s not even here anymore”. I quickly substituted that thought with knowing I was going to be able to see my chubby brat, and everything was okay.

Your mom comforts me every morning. Her hugs truly make things a little easier, but it also makes me miss you more. She’s sad that the food lasts longer now. The house has a distinct awkwardness, sometimes, and I start to notice that you won’t “be home later” to make it okay, again.

I’ve been trying to figure out a new “normal”, before everything catches up. Being more involved with school, picking up more at work, and trying to occupy myself. Although, I’m not too sure waking up by myself will ever be “normal”. But, I must add, my back has been feeling a lot better, now days.

A sweater, a shirt, a mist of cologne, a piece of hair (kidding), I should have kept something to wear, hold, or smell. I don’t want to forget you, even a little. I think I kind of already forgot how you look like.

I hope you are doing well, and that when we do talk, you’re not just trying to be strong. I know your weaknesses. (Smiles) I’m praying for you (I hope you’re remembering to pray), and it won’t be too long, before we can return to our routines.

Memphis.

A new chapter, a new life. =)

On a jetplane to Memphis.

So, life will definetely change in about 2-months.
I am ready to let go ...

My understanding is, life will move on with or without you.

I wished I could join him on this journey and through his endeavors, but, for this moment in time, I must not fail to capture the crucial moment this is, for him. In time, my heart will losen, and I will learn to be a grown up. In the meantime, I have your heart, and you have mine.

Knock em' dead. I am so proud of you!!!