Holding On.

Last night, I sat there for 15 minutes, angry at my parents for turning me into such a chemically in-balanced person. I keep replaying things over and over again in my mind, thinking “Where the hell did I take that wrong turn?” I don’t know where I left my heart, and I really want it back.

I’ve been sitting here, staring at a blank page for almost 10 minutes, trying to gather the right thoughts and trying to pick the right words to conclude my feelings about us.

I found an old letter that I wrote you, and the sweetest words brought back old feelings. I never realized it until that very moment, it just seems those feelings are gone and I ran out of nice things to say. I am trying to not quit on fighting our battles, nor have I given up fighting for you, but, I think I lost my will and all my strength a long time ago. So, I’ve been fighting for the old you, inside the new me.

I have felt more confident inside the new me, the one with the backbone, and I think I can see through you. Your thoughts of seeing me less beautiful with my new tough skin and the betrayal of the same backbone you built for me.

We talked about our biggest fears, something tells me that it wasn’t infidelity that you’re afraid of, but it is the fear of not knowing if our future will be with each other. I’ve eaten up my own words and have pushed aside advice I’ve given you because I’ve become more alert … or maybe bitter. I have convinced myself that we will never change, and yet we have … you for the better and me for the worst.

I’ve envisioned love a different way, and have realized that me trying to define love has caused me to hurt you. I know you feel helpless. I can see you slowly falling.

The Grownup Inside of Me.

I finally reached the line of realizing how much I have grown up. Within the past 3-months, I have seen myself at a different angle. Living the life of a grown up is far more then realizing that next month’s bills are due, and accepting the fact that you can’t just drop everything to enjoy a road trip. Independence has really brought on a whole different meaning for me, and I can see how thick my skin as grown since last year … and I meant that literally. Ha!

The circles under my eyes have even triggered the beginning stages of the middle ages that display how fast my twenties will disappear. I am only twenty-two and a half, but that golden birthday will soon arrive. I have always wondered if twenty-something’s ever go through their mid-age crises? And if so, what happens? Come to think of it, my body is starting to dose off around 10 p.m. and my curves do show how digesting fried foods won’t make me look like the sixteen year old version anymore.

My thoughts on relationships have changed so much as I start to mature … relationships with friends, family, and my significant other. Love has shown its meaning in many different ways, and I’ve learned to accept it for what it is. I am a victim of tough love, but I must add that I’ve seen love in the most sincere presence, as well.

Lately, I’ve been running on 4 hours of sleep, 9-hour work shifts, and to Colbie Caillat on repeat. Now, if I could only get back on track to being healthy and size-4 jeans. My body and I are physically at war, though, if you saw me walking up the stairs … you’d know who always wins. I am currently in training to better myself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Though, I think I’ve only got the mental part out of me. My tough skin has left me a little more insensitive, but unafraid. Above all, what I truly crave is God.

A side note, to you:
I sat in my car and cried a whole hour…because of you, because of me, and because I just feel like you and I are so brittle. I don’t think that song couldn’t have played at a better time, because it described “us” perfectly. My mistake was forgetting to pray
that night.

We sat in that room as I randomly played the song to you and deep down I wanted you to get it. I wanted you to feel those exact feelings I felt when I sat in my car for a whole hour sobbing. I think we both agree that it quickly became a disappointment to me as you completely missed the meaning of the song. I remembered to pray for us.

Ultimately, I think our foundation is missing God.

Make Me Whole.

("Make Me Whole" By: Amel Larrieux)
I think the angels are your brothers

They told you about me, said you're just what she needs

And I find myself thanking your mother

For giving birth to a saint

My spirit flies when I say your name

If there's one thing that's true

It's that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven

Your smile could heal a million souls

Your love completes my existence

You're the other half that makes me whole

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I still wonder how my life would’ve ended up if you didn’t show up at my doorstep. Those nights that you stayed up until the crack of dawn to talk to me, I don’t ever remember being so broken. I was hiding behind the screen with a shattered life, and it seemed the whole world turned on me.

I hope you wake up every morning of your life and realize that you saved me. I don’t know what kind of person I would be now or even if I would be standing here, healthy, happy, strong, and untouchable.

Sorry.

With you, I feel like I actually belong in this world. I am something great with you.

Though, I wonder if you could become something more if I cut the string. I'm always willing to help everyone else, but I always forget about you. I’m sorry! I’m always sorry when I can hear it in your voice ... or when I can see it on your face.

I still wonder if you were meant for me and if I were meant for you …

For You.

I know that you are going through a lot. I wished I could provide some sort of physical comfort, but not all comfort and way of love and strength can be shown through the physical things. I know you enjoy reading my blogs, as I write mostly for you to read. I hope this lifts your spirit, as it does to mine, every time that I drive by. If I were to share a favorite peaceful memory, it would be this specific day. Thank you!

It was a Sunday evening, the winter storm had passed a few days ago and the snow was starting to fade. Though, the roaring winds still blew, it was my favorite time of the year. We were leaving church and the skies were getting dark. Christmas lights decorated the lofts and even the buildings. I love being downtown, as it gives me some sort of refreshing feel. We were sitting in your blue Honda, waiting for the poor thing to heat up. A glance outside my window was a tall red tower lit up in blue, red, and white Christmas lights. We were quite a way, but even a glimpse brought me back to the innocence of my childhood. Daddy use to drive us back from Grandma’s and I always wished someone would just drive me up there, one day.

I think I told you that, that I wished we could drive up their, just to see it up close. You said “Do you want to?” I was taken away, not even expecting you would say that. So, we did. You drove me there, and though it wasn’t as easy to find as I thought it would be, we eventually found it. It was just a tower, but it was beautiful. Covered in snow and the lights shining, oh so brightly. It lifted apart of my heart and brought comfort to me. It might not have been that big of a deal to you, but I’ll always remember that one moment.

I love you even more that day …

I hope, one day, that I can do whatever it is that you always wanted to do, and bring that peace that you brought me. Everything will be okay!

2 New Voicemails.

It was a bad weekend. Sometimes, I wonder why I am still here.

I don't think I will open them, it's from mother, and it will hurt too much.

A Lifetime of Secrets.

I bought it. I rebelled and bought a Post Secret collection, “A Lifetime of Secrets” by Frank Warren. (www.postsecret.blogspot.com) I told myself I wouldn’t but the 25% off coupon sitting on my email tempted me. The next day, I walked straight into Borders and walked out in 5 minutes with that book in my hand. I drove home, every so often, glancing at it. It was like some kind of eagerness came over me, like an insane addiction to read other peoples secrets.

I can’t seem to bring myself to read anymore then eight pages, before my heart feels heavy. It’s been exactly three whole days, and I thought I would be able to finish reading the book the first night; I’m not even one-fourths through. I let out a deep sigh, before I began. Sometimes, it’s a challenge to even open the book. I knew it would be hard, but now, I’m starting to wonder why I even bought the book.

Many of these people write, in hopes that someone else on the other side of the world might feel the same way, that they might share some kind of relation. Some share, perhaps, because it’s in a sense of letting go. Some like to hold on, because it’s all they have left. Some secrets are too painful to keep, and for others, their secrets have conformed who they are. It is all they know.

I appreciate it. I am that person, on the other side of the world.

A co-workers birthday brought me back into Borders, and I sneaked back to get a glimpse of a few other Post Secret books. I had to tell myself “no”, so that I wouldn’t tempt myself to collect another.

I don’t know why I did it, but I tore off a piece of paper from my week old mail, and wrote one of my secrets. I placed the secret in the book, and smiled. It felt good! It was like someone else knew, and yes, it felt really REALLY good. Now, someone else will get an extra secret for their money.
(I have not shared this secret, and am not ready. I wanted to let you know. I will soon, or, perhaps I already did?)

I miss those days, when secrets were so simple, so innocent. For me, I had to learn real quickly, how secrets can turn one person’s life up side down. Sometimes, I often wonder when recovering would end. I’m okay with tip-toeing through this world; it was actually much simpler. No one would know I was around. It’s not as though life was ever truly “so simple”, but if I could, I would make it. (I think of it like restarting my heart, and letting it reload, then installing a virus tracker. Yes, that simple!)

Often, I wonder what secret I would share, and if ever, those CERTAIN INDIVIDUALS would ever know that secret was in regards to them, or, if they would ever come across reading it, understanding it was created by me especially for them. Maybe, time will kill the hurtful things. Even if, I can say I am ten times stronger, then a year from now. It just feels as though, half of me is already gone.